Noisy

"You're not good enough," they say.

"No one likes you really, people just put up with you." They enjoy corresponding with anger.

"Stop trying. You're attempting, as always, something far beyond your reach," they'll preach.

They are loud, aggressive, and overbearing. They like to proclaim their truth and stick it to me, whenever an opportunity arises. They love to dwell on my self-critical thoughts and often create bitterness and isolate me from others, even from beloved friends and family members. They walk with me everywhere. They'll stretch out their rugged hands and tug on my sleeve, robbing me of perspective. They petrify me.

Who are these bitches?

My insecurities.

Venomous personalities filling my head with nonsense, feeding into cycles of self-loathing, encroaching on my independence, penetrating onsets of uncertainty. Being fuckers.

I know I am not alone. I am fully aware that, thankfully, these voices do not solely fuss over me and it is a problem we all share and cannot fully escape. No one is immune from these manipulative souls, there, lurking within us all. But that doesn't stop them creeping up and affecting viewpoints, regularly, on some level.

Lately, I've made it a mission to make myself spiritually and physically stronger. I'm at a stage, in life, where I need to see the world through a different angle. All this soul searching has left me wondering why we, as people, let these emotions boss us around, and hover over us.

The obvious answer is because we enable them. We give consent to their voices and allow them accelerate and take over. They smother us with their words and dictate because we miss the authority we hold over ourselves. And that power is destructive. By continually clutching at our lost abilities and plaguing us with doubt they build foundations, and prisons of hopelessness and despair have the chance to be built.

Pricks.

It is a catch-22 system. We are all communal beings, and while togetherness brings fulfilment, sometimes the mainstream of society can cause us to live life through comparative analysis. The world is steered to do that to us. 

Glossy magazines, dating apps, the leaving cert points system, I dare you to name something that is not part of the endless examples. In our individual race, we focus on the other lanes, the faster ones, the ones with the more moderate bends, the ones with the better start, the ones (we perceive to be) beating us.

If I looked like her I'd be the happiest girl alive. He's naturally smarter than me and doesn't even study. He makes more money in a week, than I do in a month. She has so many friends, I bet she's never once felt lonely.

And it does hurt. Life is a constant battle of always trying, always avoiding a tendency to salve on the wounds, always swerving away from a growing indignation. A relentless struggle to come up for air, when you feel like one more high tide could drown you in those ceaseless waves.

It's sad that amidst the inner turmoil we lose touch of who we actually are. I reckon, we need to deepen our internal relationships. By acquiring a greater significance we can learn to control the encounters and interactions, and make peace with our fears, with the strenuous souls. By strategically seeking some resolution, some peace of heart, some greater compassion and understanding of our own limitations and the valuable resources we each possess, we can stop regret. To cheer our own victories, serve ourselves gallantly, find a humility that accepts. Words can be used as a dangerous weapon and yet we direct those arms at ourselves, first and foremost. 

Slowly, slowly, slowly, I am making the conscious effort to shut these motherfuckers up, silence the horseplay and reclaim some innate strength and grace. The constant scrutinising has overstayed its welcome, and I'm finally secure enough to loosen its grip.

The plan is to shed and renew, to reconnect with the guy called Patrick.

Because, right now, the greatest gift I can give myself, is to start letting the noise go.

                                  ___________________________________________

I bear good news! I've been shortlisted for best 'Health and Well-Being' blog at this year's Littlewoods Ireland Blog Awards. It was totally beyond the call. A public vote closes tonight, Tuesday August 23 and if you're kind enough and feel I deserve a mention, I'd be grateful for your help. You can do that, by clicking here. We'll be cool if you don't though, my plan is to do a Sandra Bullock and snatch the Mr. Congeniality crown either way. 

5 comments Body Image, Opinion

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